Hello Daddy,

December 31, 2013. New Year’s Eve. Everyone is ready to ring in the new year, except me. I still want to hold on the last bit of 2013. It’s been only 3 months since you passed. Emotions are still raw.  Some days, it’s like you are still here, but then there are others when it seems like you’ve been gone for a long time. As I am typing this up, there’s a twinge of sadness in my heart, my mind drifting to your smile, my ears hearing the sound of your voice.

I still remember vividly the night I lost you. I have thought over those few minutes a thousand times since that day. It was horrific. Surreal. Incredibly sad. I remember everyone was at the house that day. I remember wandering around from room to room not quite knowing what to do, nor what to believe.  If love could have kept you alive, I am sure you’d still be with us today. However, pancreatic cancer, (aka death sentence) was stronger than anything anyone could throw at it and we lost you to this horrible disease. So not fair.

After you were gone, all that was left of me was sadness, numbness, anger, confusion, relief, guilt, and an emptiness that echoed with pain. All these emotions, and I had no idea what to do with them or how to process anything. All I could do was cry. There are times when I feel like I’ve been on an extended roller coaster ride of emotions. I must learn to mourn and express my grief, which were often ended up with a waterfall of tears. There’s not a day that goes by that I do not think of you in some way, and there are many life moments I wish you were here to share with us.

Daddy, I miss you so so much. I miss your smile. I miss your voice. I miss your presence. I miss the love you gave us. I can never get any of this back. But now, instead of remembering you with pain, I try to remember you with a smile and a warm feeling in my heart. Even though you are not physically here, I know you are watching over your family and these moments are not missed.

Thinking of you always and hope to reunite once again,

Ah 4